Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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