Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
