Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
