I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
