peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
