I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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