you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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