She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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