Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
