i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
