So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
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