I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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