I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
