I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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