Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
