The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
