I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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