I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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