I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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