There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
