Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
