dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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