when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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