Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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