yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
