I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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