I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
