I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
