he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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