when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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