Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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