I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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