I could make wine with my vomit
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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