Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
