I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
How does one acquire holy water?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
