I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
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