so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The power of my boobs compel you
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
