I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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