Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
