12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
