You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
