Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
