Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
