I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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