Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
