Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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