so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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