Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
