This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
