HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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