omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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