god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
