No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
