I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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