Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
