P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
