Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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