Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
So here I am, sexting at work.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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