I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
