my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize