Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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