Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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