I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
