I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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